Searching for Answers (and Yoga Jokes)

For lack of anything better to write about today, I decided to look up some interesting facts about yoga.  After several minutes of websurfing, I found absolutely nothing.  I guess yoga just isn't that interesting.  However, I did find something much better: yoga jokes!  Everything is better when it's turned into a joke (or at least, almost everything).  Here are a few I found:

What did the yogi say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!

What did the sign in the window of the yoga master searching for a new disciple say?
Inquire Within

And my personal favorite:
Why did the yogi refuse anesthesia when having his wisdom teeth removed?
He wanted to transcend-dental-medication!

So, overall, it was a successful browsing session.

Certificate of Authenticity

Today is day three of my yoga experience.  I think that's plenty of time to consider myself an official "yogi" (one who does yoga).  For those of you who have not discovered the benefits of 24-hour yoga, you might think that three days is not nearly enough time to make it official.  However, I implore you to consider how much time I have actually spent practicing yoga.  If I started three mornings ago, and it is now noon, my time spent doing yoga can be calculated to approximately 60 hours (because I do yoga even in my sleep with the deep breathing and all that).  That's a lot of yoga.  Therefore, it is official.  Despite being such a large number of hours already, there is more.  Although I just recently discovered that everything is yoga, this does not mean that I am new to yoga.  In fact, since I'm still doing the same things today that I did as a youngin', you could say that I've been doing yoga all my life!  And that's a whole myriad of hours.  So there you have it, folks. I'm a true yogi.

The Secret to Happiness

Today was a magical day. 

Today I had no stress...  None!  Despite projects, quizzes, and homework assignments galore, I remained calm and relaxed in the face of what would otherwise have been an impending doom.  Ordinarily I would complain about everything I had to do and how little time I had to do it all, but today I shut my mouth and sailed through the day with an insouciant manner.  Those of you who know me may be in shock.  Others of you may not believe what you're reading at all, but it's true.  Today was a stress-free day!  Of course, it wasn't truly stress-free, but I closed my eyes and made it so.  How did I do it, you may ask?  Well, the answer is simple: yoga.  Refer back to yesterday's blog post and you'll discover my secret: the knowledge that everything is yoga!  With this brand new discovery, my life has become at least four and a half times calmer.  Making life one big giant yoga party is most definitely the secret to happiness.  :)

Great News!

I've been lying to myself for quite some time now, saying silly things like, "I'll start doing yoga tomorrow," or "I'm ready to change my life."  Well, as it turns out, I've actually been lying to myself about lying to myself.  In fact, for these few months that I've been procrastinating the beginning of my yoga journey, I actually have not been procrastinating at all!  I always thought of yoga as this sort of destressitizing, calm, and planned hobby.  However, for all intents and purposes, this isn't the case.  I have now decided that yoga is simply the flexing and stretching of muscles, which just happens to be relaxing (usually).  Guess what this means:  I've been doing yoga every day!  When I wake up in the morning, I stand up and stretch.  Yoga!  When I try to retrieve the box of cereal from the tippy top shelf, I stretch my calf muscles.  Yoga!  When I get to my locker in the morning, I reach down to pick up my books.  Yoga!  Need I say more?  God, I'm destressed already.

The Stars Weren't Aligned, I Swear.

Sunday February 6th: Superbowl Sunday, also known locally as the day I promised myself (and my four followers) that I would try yoga for the first time.  I thought it would be a great thing to try after all the excitement that is the Superbowl commercials.  Er, I mean, the game.  Really.  I actually care about football.  Yoga is supposed to be relaxing and all that jazz, so it seemed a novel idea to wind down after 12 brownies, 4 cupcakes, half a bag of Chex Mix, and a seventh Superbowl victory for the best football team ever.  I was finally ready, and I was excited to keep my promise for once.

Steelers shirt donned, I took a seat in front of my friend's television to watch my team kick some Cheesehead butt.  Turnover after turnover I watch my "unstoppable" team get beat down.  Three hours later, the biggest game of the year comes to a tragic ending worthy of a Shakespearean drama.  No longer so excited, I return home from the party a pathetic, lifeless creature.  "Maybe the stars weren't aligned properly," I mourned to myself as I trudged upstairs to my room.  I lay down on my bed and stared dejectedly at my ceiling, rendered immobile for at least a half hour in a deep state of depression.  Once I finally felt capable of standing, I showered and went immediately to bed.  So much for yoga.  It's beginning to look hopeless.. Stupid stars.

Confession #1 (I'll Start Tomorrow, I Promise!)

pro·cras·ti·nate [proh-kras-tuh-neyt], verb: to defer action; delay; to put off till another day or time


I couldn't have said it better myself, Webster.  Procrastinate is a verb that pertains just a bit too much to my life.  I tend to put everything off until the last possible minute.  As a matter of fact, I began this blog post January 24th.  And yes, today is February 5th.  Often, this procrastination leads to problems.  However, relevant to this blog, the only problem I can foresee is the lack of anything interesting to say.  This is not a matter of life and death, unless of course you are very easily bored.  Then you (or I) might be in trouble.

So what does procrastination have to do with this blog?  Well, if you'll refer to the blog title (or the interesting subheading), you will notice the word "yoga".  Logically, one would think that this blog would be about yoga, and initially, this was the intent.  Yet each day goes by without even the beginnings of a "yoga journey".  I think about it every day, but by the time I finish my homework each night I can't imagine doing anything but collapsing into bed.

As the weeks drug on, I did begin to feel a change of heart.  I wanted to keep my New Year's Resolution, so I ambitiously declared one Sunday night that I would make time for yoga the following day.  I would finally overcome procrastination and become more flexible while I was at it.

And then it happened.  I was at drumline practice (for those of you who don't know anything about indoor drumline, I basically grab a drum, put it on, and run around with it) minding my own business.  The drumline was rehearsing one of our sets, which was nothing out of the ordinary.  As I was marching to my spot, however, I was brutally attacked by a bass drummer, who had just crashed into my backside (to his credit, the bass drum is so large that he can't see in front of him).  He hit the back of my leg just in the right spot to send my knee shooting upward straight into one of the bolts on the bottom of my snare drum.  I yelped in pain and proceeded through the remainder of practice with an awkward limp.

When I got home, I studied my knee.  Well, I at least studied the nasty purple bruise that had developed on my kneecap.  I stretched out my knee just a little bit and winced.. So much for yoga.

Procrastination again ensued.  This time I told myself that I had an excuse.  I did for about a week.  By now, my knee has healed, and the initial procrastination has reestablished itself.  Unfortunately, I have three blog posts supposedly about yoga with nothing to really show for it.  I have but one sole yoga confession: I'm inherently lazy.

Breaking the News

A few days after my yoga epiphany, I had yet to begin the adventure.  However, I had such effervescence bottled up inside that I just had to tell someone about my brilliant idea.  The lucky victim was, of course, my mother.  Known for trenchant remarks, she might not have been the perfect candidate, but she was the only one in the house who wasn't too busy Xbox Live-ing to listen to me or wasn't a different species of mammal entirely.  So when I walked into the kitchen and she happened to be sitting there on her laptop, I seized the opportunity:

"Mom!  Guess what!"

"You're hungry."

I shuffled awkwardly.  "Well, yeah, but... I'm taking up yoga!"

"Isn't that a Star Wars character?"

"No, Mom, yoga, not Yoda.  With a 'g'."

"Oh.  You're stupid."

"I know, Mom, I know."

And with that, I retrieved a cupcake from the refrigerator.

New Year's Resolution?

 Ever since I distinguished the difference in spelling between yoga and that little Star Wars character (which wasn't all that long ago), I've been fascinated by yoga's concept.  We've all seen those health commercials.  You know, the ones that portray young, beautiful, athletic women in yoga class.  They make taking one leg, wrapping it around your neck twice, and then breathing deeply in through your mouth and out through your nose look so easy.  Although envious, I never considered taking up yoga.  Not only was I lazy, I was cursed with severe uncoordination and a laughable lack of flexibility.  Besides, yoga was only for those stuck-up people in Hollywood.  Despite all my beliefs, something about the hobby intrigued me.  It was probably the neck thing. 

At any rate, New Year's Day 2011 rolls around.  Flipping absent-mindedly through the latest issue of a magazine, I pondered the coming year as it pertained to my future.  Having made a new year's resolution to give up new year's resolutions, I wasn't feeling particularly inspired.  As my mind began to wander from this subject to the cupcakes in the refrigerator, I reached the Health section in my magazine.  Ordinarily I would bypass this section, as exercising was never really my slice of pie (or cupcake).  However, something about the whole new year thing made me pause.  I read the first heading in the section, which shouted, "Uncover Your Abs!"  I looked down and poked my stomach.  Just reading the section wouldn't hurt... I turned to the next page, and what did I find?  A yoga routine.  I grimaced instantly, thinking about my lack of natural grace.  Or any grace at all.  "Sorry, flabs," I apologized to my stomach. "Maybe next year."  As I was about to flip to the back of the magazine to read the embarassing moments section (my favorite!), I paused again.  Maybe it was worth a shot.  And what better time to start than the new year?  This was the perfect opportunity to become just like those beautiful leg-around-the-neck women! 

So it was settled.  I would take up yoga, despite all my downfalls.  Excitedly I reopened the magazine to the yoga workout.  With a smile on my face, I skimmed the exercises.  Although eager to begin, I decided I would do a bit of stretching before I did any leg-around-the-neck workouts (safety first, you know).  I bent down to touch my toes, but stopped short as I reached my knees.  I took another deep breath and leaned down a little farther. In response, my back popped six times.  I stood up.

"I'll start tomorrow."



This is me. Heh.